STILL
2025
i still reach over to your side of the bed when i wake up
sometimes i swear i feel your warmth, but it’s just the way the blanket falls
half-asleep, fingers stretch across the cold sheets
i tell myself it’s just a reflex, but some mornings feel like grief
i still pour two cups of coffee, and let yours sit until it goes cold
i still pause at your favorite part of the song
and wait for you to finish the chorus
i still leave our show frozen at the part you loved
hoping maybe you’d walk in and take control
i swear i heard your footsteps last night
the floor creaked like it used to when you snuck in late
funny how the silence can sound like memory
when it’s wrapped up in fate and my routine
i still walk through the garden
past the flowers we planted, the trees we watered
keeping them alive was our favorite hobby
now it’s just me tracing the leaves,
hoping to find your touch on their soft petals
i still see the photos on the wall and they haunt me
how our warm embraces are now replaced by cold spaces
how your yellow dress and bright blue eyes
used to light up this house like a sunset we never needed to chase
the cold gray pavement is all i see now
as i look down, wandering these empty streets
i still leave the door unlocked in case you forgot your key
i still save your spot on the sofa where you’d lay and tell me your secrets
i still wonder if you think i hate you
my love, i could never
though sometimes i think i should
it would make letting go easier
if you had been cruel
but you weren’t
you were beautiful
and that’s why it’s so hard
damn
did i just space out again while watching TV?
[phone buzzes]
it's mom
she asks how you're doing
"man... now i gotta get my life together."
She read this to me in a dream
2025
i wish it wasn’t this hard but
here i am longing for you still
hoping you’re doing well
wishing you’re happy
as the tears on my face
mix with the rain pouring down today
maybe i’m a little bit insane
maybe that’s totally okay
pain
Memories
2025
my bedroom is still flooded with your sweet perfume
Burberry goddess everything is better when i sit next to you
pillowcase inundates my whole brain with memories
if i were to say i miss you it’s an understatement
safe to say that i think about you too much for my own good
crazy to say i stare at your name inside my phone book
my fault, love, for i am a daydreamer
Darling forgive me, I'm an over-thinker
Our dialogue plays in my mind like a stop motion picture
Might be closer to a Pollock painting
the madness is fascinating
how there's always beauty waiting
just gotta step back, focus, appreciate it
we just need be patient and i’m reminded
our tree bears fruit in divine time
then we indulge when it’s fine wine
my heart’s wide open, i wonder how i can give you the ocean
hoping i can rearrange the stars and have them spell out your name
inhale, exhale
two souls with the purest intentions
stare through the window to my soul
transparency
explain all you see
do you feel complete?
or am i high off memories?
memories… melodies
they keep singing what we used to be
do i give in to what they’re telling me?
or am i just high off
memories… melodies
memories… melodies
she said, “baby why are you sad?”
i didn’t know how to answer that
’cause when the silence hit,
i swear your words still held me back
“i’m right here wherever you are…”
that line plays on repeat in the dark
but where are you now?
i’ve been tracing your voice in the stars
you used to say i was beautiful
and the creator was proud
but i’ve been looking in the mirror
and can’t see it right now
you told me look how far i’ve come
but the journey feels heavier alone
love, love, love—
you wrote it like a prayer in my phone
x’s and o’s like spells you cast
to try and keep me whole
but now they just haunt the page
and echo through my soul
just like these
memories… melodies
they keep singing what we used to be
do i give in to what they’re telling me?
or am i just high off
memories… melodies
memories… melodies
i scroll through old messages
some still feel brand new
like maybe if i read ’em out loud
you might walk back in the room
but even the echoes are fading now
like a song i used to know
the melody’s still in my chest
but the words let go
i don’t blame you
love isn’t always meant to last forever
but the version of me that loved you
still writes you love letters
maybe one day
i’ll hear our song and smile, not ache
but for now
i’m learning to hold space
for both the love
and the heartbreak
and then the loop replays like—
memories… melodies
they keep singing what we used to be
do i give in to what they’re telling me?
or am i just high off
memories… melodies
memories… melodies
Nine Eight
February 1st 2025
it’s crazy how i can feel your heartbeat from 879 miles away
it’s crazy how the universe placed you at arm’s length
and just out of my sight
until the clock stuck midnight
this fairytale i’ve read about a thousand times
i’ve even got the ending memorized
yet i’m scared to become the main character
i am unsure of what the next chapter will bring
because the different tragedies i’ve lived
but still i find peace in your voice
your soft whisper speaks to my soul
come, come to me love
gently you guide me through
this forest where i planted my seeds of doubt
lead me to the ocean where i jump in after you
the cold water feels like a Sunday afternoon
as i start to sink you reach out and grab my hand
stop me from drowning, show me how to walk on water
we make our way through the waves to the promised land
our very own sunflower paradise, peace
like i can’t describe, we burn bright
you are the full moon in the vast black sky
how do you do it?
you are the muse in my music
your therapeutic influence
helped me clear all the confusion
i am not lost anymore
i’ve lost count of the times i’ve reread your letters
poems where you poured the pieces of your heart out
i’ll spend the rest of my life putting the puzzle back together
is it too early to talk about forever?
i don’t think so, here grab my hand
let’s explore see if this rabbit hole leads us to wonderland
i love you more than even i think i can understand
My Soul Yearns
January 31st 2025
The silence between us is so loud
I can't hear myself think
All I can make out is the echoes of the past we shared
The memories replaying in my head
Persistent like a used car salesman
The wounds won't close
because of the depth of your words on my heart
It still bleeds love for you...
After all of this calamity, it still longs for you
My soul yearns for yours to sit beside it
My skin yearns for your warm, soft touch
Through this all I would still love you
Unconditionally
and come to your voice at the drop of a hat
All you have to do is ask
My love
​
Action
January 21st 2025
I hate when my brain wakes up before I do
like why at 4 a.m. do you want to replay my whole life like a movie?
I just want to get some rest
but there are scenes that need analyzing
lines that need rewriting
for the story to make sense
Maybe then I’ll get more than 1.75 hours of sleep
maybe—just maybe
the final cut needs reshoots
trying to find the plot holes
that made the test audience uneasy
I’m still stuck in Act II
rewriting the same chapter
trying to make peace with a character
I didn’t know would leave halfway through
This script is a work in progress
waiting for direction,
for the signal to move forward
for the director to yell:
ACTION
Scene Two
The lights are blinding at first
but I don’t flinch this time
the frame’s still shaky
but the focus is sharper
the past still lingers like perfume on the sleeve of a jacket
and sometimes I swear I still hear your voice
cutting through the silence like a director’s cue
but there’s no response
just the soft echo of what we almost were
I walk through the next frame slower
careful not to trip over the dialogue
the script’s still unfinished
but I’m not afraid of improv anymore
maybe you were never meant to stay for the sequel
maybe your role was always written for Act I
and I’ve been clinging to scenes
we were never supposed to reshoot
but I forgot how quiet peace can be
like a distant piano behind the chaos
and maybe that’s enough for now—
to take my mark,
step into the frame,
and just begin again
Run.
August 5th 2024
oh, why do you evade me?
moments fleeting
fading in and out of existence
could i have been so evil in my past life
to not experience even a glance—
let alone a smirk or the warmth of your smile?
it’s all i ever wanted, yet it terrifies me
i wonder what you really hide behind those eyes
do you intend to be pure? or are you just here for the party?
the scars from last time still burn when i walk—
was it really you who cut so deep?
or someone i mistook for you,
playing the role a little too well?
doppelgänger did damage
cast a shadow that blocks even the brightest star
one that follows me around every room,
filtering the light, twisting the truth,
making me question my own judgment
the silence it leaves me in is deadly loud—
a cacophony of sound
an orchestra with no conductor
and i can’t find your voice
i just wanna run
run until my feet swell up
run until my knee seizes
let me lay down on the pavement
find solace where the lane splits
shit, i hear footsteps
oh—there you are
holding out your hand
help me up
all i had to do was be patient enough
to know you'd find me again
in this lifetime
Untitled #37
February 28th 2024
When do i stop watering this tree in hopes it would bear fruit
are the hopes that i may eat from its branches strong enough to keep me going
because quite frankly my well is running dry
i wonder if the tree is rooted to an different stream
but when i leave for a day the branches start to die
Butterfly
January 2021
You are a beautiful being
look into your eyes as you spread your wings
and fly away into outer space
it was my mistake, thinking you could stay
but what can I say? it's best this way
as I sit and meditate
to not get lost in the cacophony of the jungle, that is my mental
where you seem to fly around and never settle
where I might have built you a temple
where the stairs up are littered with rose and sunflower petals
it'll be a while before I find the words to fit the words to fit your instrumental
when you let go of something you love it's supposed to help yourself grow...
so i let you float just past the canopy
beyond the reach of all my tangled thoughts
where even the vines that once wrapped around you
had to loosen, had to rot
you were never meant to perch too long
never meant to nest in one place
just a soft-winged reminder
of beauty that drifts, not stays
oh there you go, cinnamon scent—beautiful goddess
how are your strawberry lips so hypnotic?
i’m wylin’, do you understand where my mind went?
got me wrapped up in your heavenly bondage
still, i stepped inside the temple of my mind
petals curled at the base of the altar—quiet reminders
the incense burned out, but your name still lingered in the air
so i untied the ribbon around my ribs
and left the ache where the prayer once lived
Uprooted
December 3rd 2020
Oh what I would do to eat the fruit from that tree again
Feel the cool embrace of the shade when the sun fried my skin
Listen as the wind blew through the branches and told me the world's secrets
Sit on the strong roots that it had attached to the Earth
Observe as the critters sang from their nests in a chaotic harmony
The quiet roar of their mixed voices created a euphony
that brought me peace, even when the hurricane hit
But all that changed in an instant
The silent explosion of horror rang in my ears
Like the first sound of thunder in a hailstorm
I saw you had built a house on the very spot where the tree once stood
Our tree once stood...
A house in which I could not live
And would just have to watch as you planted a forest with someone else...
Right beside where my tree once stood
This Game
September 20th 2020
I am not very good at this game
I don't know what the pieces do
Don't understand how to make a move
It's driving me a little bit insane
​
Yet you perfectly understand the cadence
You did set the board after all
And invited me over to participate
Eagerly awaiting my response
​
I don't really like this game now that I know the patterns
And realize I was set up to lose from the start
Yet, I still played along with hopes that it would be different this time
My naivety got the better of me
You stood up and walked away when you got bored
That was a flash decision, gave me some whiplash
I thought that we should finish this
I want to know who the winner is
​
We should have written a play instead
At least then I'd know what my role is
And I'd be able to do what I do best
Act like I don't give a shit
​
Pretend like nothing phases me
Even though it's just me being stoic
Knowing I'm dying inside
Feels like I've been buried alive
​
This is my brain being poetic
Because your touch is where my medicine is
It's the penicillin that I ain't have in a minute
Which turned to hours, days, weeks, months
​
Speaking of turns, isn't it your move to make now?
Sorry, I got distracted and hella spaced out
Is it just the Wires in the Way now?
The reason that I'm Still Blue?
​
I don't really know but
I've just been dealing with a whole lot of bullshit on my end
It just seems to be all for life's amusement
I need your help sorting through the confusion
​
Just some patience, understanding while I'm on the edge of losing
Need a second of peace, but the world won't stop moving
Like the hands on this clock that I can't rewind
Maybe all we need right now is time
Sunflower (Paradise)
July 11th 2020
The sun painted the sky a soft peach color
How it set on your skin made me forget for a sec that time exists
Or rather, remember how much time you spend in it
you make my heart beat in rhythms i didn’t know were possible
you don’t understand your power
Grace and beauty like a wild sunflower
You see, truly, I could explore that field for hours
As I snap back to the moment, our eyes lock and we light up
Your smile, you can’t contain it, like being told your first secret as a child
never underestimate the universe because it let you just waltz into my life
And allowed you to win me over in 3 nights and 4 days
that’s me exaggerating but you broke me down quickly
Now in this world nothing will ever be the same
Did we just stumble into paradise?
See the blessings, count them twice
Let me hold you close, while we stare at the horizon
Step away from the shore, there could be a riptide
Ask me anything, i am an open book for you to explore
Analyze every chapter, until the one where life introduced you
Because how the rest goes is a mystery or rather
We can choose our own adventure and not fold under the pressure
i’ll finish this novel despite all of its imperfections
all of the plot holes and contradictions
could never measure to our connection
but hold on,
we don’t have to rush though
take everything super slow,
cuz we like watching the flowers grow
the storms may come but the raindrops fall off the petals
we can listen to them while they hit the ground
see how they nourish our garden and new roses color the background
there’s never a dull moment when you’re around
you add the rainbow to these skies that have been so monotone
i would know, yeah, i would know
because i’ve been staring at this blank canvas for too long
hoping to be inspired by the passing clouds
watching how the grey gradates to light blue and pastel yellow and pink
then i sit back and think
reminiscing on how you drank that cherry wine
but i preferred your orange liqueur
damn, i am addicted and would probably drown in it given the opportunity
right now it’s just you and me taking on whatever obstacles the world throws at us
step by step we march forth even if we get lost like the hebrews in the desert
we don’t have to know where we are going,
only sure that we are walking the same way
with you by my side ain’t a thing that’s gon make me break
so why don’t you stay a little while?
we can truly explore this paradise together
see how far past the horizon it really goes